Over My Head

I should be asleep...I should be at peace...I should be at rest. Instead, I'm typing trying to express what my heart is trying to tell me. In the dream I was racing down a busy highway... backwards. I began to lose control and the truck and I began to flip. It's there I began to view it in third person...not allowing myself to become fearful or injured. The talking clock at my Mother-in-loves reminds me again it's only 4am. I know when I climb out of bed to change my Father-in-loves diaper, I wont' be able to go back to sleep.

I'm over my head. Once again!I know from memory, this is where I find You. Grief always expresses itself in the body between 3 and 5am. How many mornings have I been reminded of this? How many times have I failed miserably trying to hand it over to You?

Alzeimhers use to be a term I only knew in jest. "Old-timers" with a laugh following. It's anything but funny. Locked inside that medical label is a wonderful man that I have had life's priviledge to call my father-in-love. Most would call him their father-in-law...but it's love that has bound me to him...not law. And it is love that has called me to the commitment to care for him in his final season. First and foremost, it is an honor and priviledge to care for both he and his beautiful bride. But, it is way out of my league.

Again...I search through the long moments of our day, looking for Your eyes, Your voice, to show me how to care for his needs. I spent all day yesterday wrestling tears. After spending a lifetime trying to hold them in, I've learned to just let them flow. Science says that the chemical composition of tears is always different. That they are created as a specific remedy to counter that which is causing them. Like a God-designed perscription. As they flow, I realize I feel guilty that his rash and bed sore have worsened. I feel responsible.

In my head, I know I'm doing the best I can. But, my heart doesn't wamt him to hurt anymore. Hip surgery for an eighty six year old was enough!

You told me a few months back, that every circumstance which causes me to lean into You harder is an opportunity. In that case, this is a season of "great opportunity". In the dream, I was out of control. Everyone around me was watching my every move. As the vehicle began to flip I removed myself from the impact..from the pain...from the guilt. Real life is different. I can't, at will, remove myself from the pain. But, with the help of Grace, I will learn to remove myself from the guilt...of feeling responsible for that which I can't change. I will learn to lean into You hard!

Every since I was a little girl, I have tried to carry the weight of 'my world' on these shoulders. I know it is an impossible task. Once more You try to convince my heart that "that" is Your job. You remind me that it is the power of Your word that sustains earth on it's axis. It is the same power that will sustain me! Once more I will shift the weight with Your word, and trust my responsibility is to respond to Your ability, not that of my own. You've got the whole world in Your hands! I can rest!