Tuesday, October 6, 2009

My sweet little Millie has been in my home for over a week now. What a gift! She is now 2 months old and has brought me such delight! But tomorrow, I put her and her precious mommie on a plane, to travel back to the far side of the country.

Not exactly how I would have written the script...had I been given the chance. Actually, there wouldn't be much resemblance of my life and what would have been written in that script. In the most recent years, I have found myself, more than once, asking "who's life is this?" I suppose it would have been a funny question, had I asked it with a smile. I didn't.

I remember a few years ago having a discussion with the Lord about why my life looked and felt nothing like I had always thought it would. Don't get me wrong. I have had blessings in abundance! God has never failed me. But, many of the "key elements" of my story line, have just not been what I had hoped for, nor expected. There is something inside of me that longs for a 'do-over'.

The Lord has repeatedly reminded me that He is the master painter. I am not. It is His canvas that the picture of my life is painted on. He gets to choose the colors and textures, the shadows and the light. I heard an artist say once that he uses his imagination to come up with his creations. Then he simply paints what he imagined. I think it is the same with God. He sees the end from the beginning. I look at the canvas and can't make heads or tails of all of the various details because the canvas isn't finished yet. The colors that He has chosen seem chaotic and harsh. The strokes are haphazard and choppy. What I feel should have clarity appears to have been a wash. Where I would have drawn a border, He has drawn outside the lines.

I have been struck lately with the reality that I have spent too much of my life resisting where I am, resisting the canvas as my own. The resistance has not been intentional...but resistance, nonetheless. Without words, I have been voicing my doubt that the Father has my 'best interest' at heart. It's the same lie that has echoed through the hallway of time since the garden of Eden. The enemy doesn't have to come up with new strategies when his old ones still work so well for him.

It's not as if the Father was glancing at Mars when my canvas was selected. He was not distracted and satan got one in on Him. No...my life is no surprise to Him. It is to me. But not to the Lord of Host. The circumstances of my life have been known to Him from before creation began. He has great purpose and design and He watches with great tenderness and devotion as the details unfold. One day, I too, will see what He has seen from eternities view. I too, will see and know as I have been seen and known.

So today, I choose to embrace my canvas. I choose to trust the colors and techniques He chooses for me. I choose to believe that His heart is always centered on 'my best'. I choose to quieten my noisy soul. I choose to poise myself and lie in total trust and stillness as He paints the rest of my story. And one day, with Him, I will see the finished product...exactly like He had imagined! I know I will not be disappointed!

And tomorrow, I will put baby Millie and Jenna on that plane. As I wipe away the tears...I will be trusting that they were needed on my canvas to create just the right shade...just the right detail for what, will one day, be considered a masterpiece.