THE UNSEEN

"Your path led through the sea, Your way through the mighty waters, though Your footprints were not seen." (Psalm 77:19)

How many times through raging waters have You delivered me? Yet, were I to prove to the world that it was You, who parted the mighty waters, I would be amiss. You leave no hard evidence such as Your footprints. You ride upon the clouds and the wind is Your chariot. Like a strong breeze You move wherever You will. It is only the eye of faith that sees You coming. The human eye sees nothing except the torrent that is about to sweep overhead and cover me with high waters. How many times have You swooped down at the very last second and rescued me? "Though I went through fire and water You brought me to a place of abundance." (Psalm 66:12) Yet were I to prove to others, there would be no footprints, no trace of evidence that You were once again my Hero. For human eyes cannot see the prints you have left all over my heart.

ANNIE AND OPAL

I had the sweetest dream this morning right before I awoke. I dreamt that my precious Aunt Estelle was visiting me. She was lying down resting. Laying beside her, mostly covered by a soft blanket that was snuggled close to her, was a floral purse. The purse looked like my own. As she laid there so sweet and content, drifting in and out of sleep, I was busy going to and fro. Their were many of my loved ones there and I was busy entertaining, cooking and gathering things up to put in their proper place.

At some point in my busyness, I spotted that half hidden purse, and thinking it was mine, I gently moved towards her to remove it and put it away where it belonged. As my hand so softly tried to retract the bag, her eyes opened immediately and to my surprise, she too grasped it. Her eyes twinkled as she looked into mine. Our faces were close in proximity as I had come in close to sneak the bag out of her way. Without words we had the most beautiful exchange. I instinctively knew this way her purse and not mine. I was instantly embarrassed about having tried to take it from her as she protected it while sleeping so peacefully. But there was more to the purse than just its floral tapestry and leather that was so familiar. 

Somehow in that moment I knew the purse was full of all the memories that we both shared of her two sisters, Annie and Opal. This was why the purse looked so familiar to me. It was alive with memories of my precious grandmother and my sweet Aunt Opie. I could see the amazement in her eyes, and knew she too was seeing them. We embraced one another, her with her hand still clutched to her bag and mine embracing her and neither of us wanted to move. We were mesmerized as memory after memory poured forth filled with their laughter and giggling. Joy was everywhere. It was the most quaint of moments...as if fairy dust was floating all around us. In this moment, we were more alive than we had been only minutes before. As time stood still, they were more alive to us than they had been in years. There was such a longing to breathe this moment in deeply. Neither of us wanted this encounter to ever end so we dared not move.

I could feel myself trying to awaken from the dream, and as only one can do while dreaming...I wrestled to not awaken, knowing that I would lose this euphoric, yet very real embrace to those I can no longer touch. In the twinkling of an eye I knew I could not hold on to the dream and as I awakened lying in my bed, before ever opening my eyes, I could feel the bright light of morning bursting in, streaming through the sheers covering my window. My room was drenched with morning sun and in my heart, I knew it was going to be a really beautiful day!

FOR UNTO US IS BORN

I've heard the words before, but today they stick, they move something within me that needs a good
push. Gabriel has just given Mary the news that she has been chosen by her Father to be the vessel who will usher Jesus into the world, into her world. His words must have been inconceivable and His promise too big to wrap her mind around, yet something came to life inside of her and these are the words that came from her lips: "Let it be to me according to Your word." That's it! No debate, no wrestling, but simply an understanding that the promise had very little to do with her and everything to do with the One who spoke it. In order to pull this thing off, God and God alone would have to fulfill His word to her. Her part was to simply believe the unbelievable and wait on the Father to do it through her. Through simply yielding her life to the work of the Father, others would be able to personally come to know Jesus.

I remember being so protective when I carried my three little ones in my womb. I can't imagine how careful Mary must have been, knowing she was caring the Devine within her earthly tent. With every move she must have been aware of His presence within her. Her conversation, her choices and even her thought life must have seem magnified with her awareness of His nearness.

I realize that little has changed. The Father has chosen to use me as a vessel to bring Him to my world as well. While it is true that I will not literally carry His very real flesh within my womb, I cannot help but see the privilege I have been given to host His very real Spirit within my very being. Today I am reminded that what the Father has asked me to do is not that different than what He asked of Mary. Like Mary, I am given the opportunity to partner with the Father in bringing life to others, by bringing forth Jesus through my own.  Like Mary, I must put my trust not in myself, but in the One who can fulfill His own request through my yielded heart. My response must simply be, "Let it be to me according to Your word."  May I live with the understanding that my conversations, my choices and even my thought life are lived out in His presence. May I carry Him into my world with the same conviction that Mary had, knowing that I have been given life's greatest gift of carrying the Devine within my earthly tent. May my life be a birthplace, to usher Jesus into the world... into my world.

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WHEN WALLS FALL

It happened again this morning. In the midst of a conflict I felt Love's gentle presence leading me to peer into my heart, and see yet another wall standing there. Last summer I made the courageous decision to refuse to allow any walls to hide in the recesses of my heart. I want every single one thrown down into a million pieces. Love's job is to help me see them. Then my job is to hold His hand while I allow Him to show me why they are there. Once I clearly see  "the why" behind the wall, it becomes much easier to ask Him to remove it.

So far, every wall has been erected there because of a lie I had strongly believed, when I was at my weakest. When I felt vulnerable the enemy convinced me that a wall would keep me safe. When I felt unloved, he convinced me I could close myself off, and protect myself from the one  who had wounded me. When I was afraid to deal with conflict, he convinced me I could hide behind the protection of the vast wall and keep my peace. Every wall within my heart is nothing less than a fortress for his lies.

The only thing the walls have ever protected is my enemy, not my heart. My heart is my most precious real estate. Every square inch that I have given to the enemy of my soul, I am unable to give to the Lover of my soul. It is true that I am Love's promised land. He has sought me for Himself and paid a great price. It is also true that He will fight just as hard to rid me of the giants in my land for His namesake. My walls are like the giants that taunt and spout out lies of how fearful I should be to come against them. But just like the giant that David beheaded, the walls left erected in my heart are the only thing that stands between me and all that Love has given me. It's a good day to see another wall fall...and another giants head to roll.

 

Words spoken to my heart from the Lover of my soul...

Remember love is simply an offering, an invitation. It ceases to be love the moment a demand accompanies it. When it is rejected - it is still Love! To be refused does not diminish it's value. Darkness cannot receive it. (And the light shines in the darkness; and the darkness did not comprehend it. John 1:5)

Love always makes a way for peace and joy for the one who offers it. You must remain in Love to abide in Love's benefits. The moment you try to control others you forfeit the fruit of the Spirit. It is like walking a tight-rope. You are fine as long as your focus is on the wire and not the fear of falling. I ask you to walk on the edge of hell everyday. There is little margin. When you keep your eyes on the strength of that which holds you (Love), you will always make forward progress. It's when you try to reason with the darkness around you, that you become extremely vulnerable to falling.

When you do fall, simply get back up and learn from it. Waste nothing in your pursuit for the Kingdom. Each fall is valuable.

Peter took a hard hit when he fell three times in a row, but I had prayed for him to not stay down, but to return to care for My sheep. It was what he learned in the falls that made him qualified to handle the sheep more tenderly, with a heart of Love rather than one of personal gain or rights.

The moment you lose your peace, you have strayed from Love. You will always fall when you wrestle for Love, rather than operating from it. This too was a valuable lesson that Peter learned. His failures taught him that he could not earn Love, nor could his failures exempt him from Love's reach! Love just is! Human goodness, nor human failure can change it - for Love just is. For all of eternity Love just is! The only part you play is to simply receive it for the gift it is and then to offer it to others. It cannot be improved upon by human effort, nor decreased by human failure...for it is NOT of flesh, but by My Spirit says the Lord.

DECREES OF THE KING

 

I was too needy, to continue to ignore the fact that my head believed a truth that my heart had refused to embrace. It was easy to answer life's hard questions with memorized scripture...but much harder to answer all of the questions of  my heart. The Words written on the pages of the Bible ARE. NOT. THE. SAME. as those same Words written on the pages of  my heart. I wrestled...knowing that 'truth" was intended to set me free...but I couldn't seem to navigate it from my mind into the depths of my heart. I began a quest for Love to teach me how to believe His wonderful truths in the depths of my heart and not just my head. As you might guess, it is a work in progress. But, I have to say that my heart believes more Truth than it ever has. I see a trend here...and it's wonderfully beautiful!

He began showing me that I had spent my life "wrestling FOR Truth rather than FROM it!" Now that may not sound like a big deal...but in fact it is a deal breaker! If I spend all of my energy trying to believe that I am the righteousness of God, I will never arrive there. My own weaknesses and the whispers of the enemy will keep my heart far from believing that I could be righteous. The enemy makes certain that my life experiences keep me from walking in the fullness that Love has provided for me. It is He, who says that we as believers, are the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. (2Cor. 5:21)  It's easy to believe it in our heads...just not in our hearts. It is in this failure, in the short circuit between our minds and our hearts, that we live short of all that Love has for us.

He has taught me that if He has said it, it is a done deal! There is no room for debate. No excuse for me not to walk in it. The problem or deficiency is only on my side, not His. He is my King. Once a King makes a decree it is settled. He settled who we are as believers 2,000 years ago on the cross. He decreed "It is finished". All of the labor and striving to overcome evil had been accomplished. He had done for me what I could not do. He had set me free and all I had to do was to believe! He said if we would "believe with our hearts and confess with our mouths, we would be saved." (Rom. 10:9-10) If there is an area in which we have not been saved, or made free,  it is because there is a deficiency of what we are believing in our hearts and what we are saying with our mouth. I can have whole chapters of the bible memorized, but unless my heart has been mesmerized by the truth found within them...I will remain in the bondage that has me trapped.

As a daughter of the King I must rule from that position...not for it! I must declare what my King has already decreed about me and my life! You have not called me to a power struggle against my flesh or the enemy. You have simply called me to a truth encounter. One does not have to wrestle someone for what one already possesses. You have  promised me that when I operate FROM truth and not For it...it will be released! No one can steal it from me. My King has already decreed it is mine for the taking! But until I receive it and declare that it is mine, it will elude me. We must believe with our hearts and confess it with our mouths. It is the way we came into His glorious Kingdom and it is the way that we continue to walk through its depths.

I don't need to fight to prove it...to myself or anyone else. I prove it by fighting from it! It is the way of the Kingdom of our God. So simple that even a child can come.

                              I CAN FEEL YOUR PRAYERS

 

My husband tells me I think I'm "Super Woman". I believe every woman is. We come packaged that way. Our hearts are stretched as far as our loved ones take them. In my case, my heart is stretched from Oklahoma to Texas and then over to Louisiana. If you've ever driven through Texas alone, you know how much of a stretch that is! I spend a lot of time on the road. Which gives me a lot of time to talk to Love.

 

Before I relate this story to you, I want to clarify that I have a very normal family. A very normal, dysfunctional family. Compared to most, I think we lean closer to normal than dysfunctional, but nevertheless we have our issues...normally. Now that that is as clear as mud, let me continue.

 

Many times I spend my drive-time talking to Love about all of the pain that stretches my heart so. Watching my precious seventy-eight year old Mama undergo Chemo is not easy. Especially when I live over seven hours away and have to goodbye to her and leave the bulk of the burden to my sister. (The enemy reminds me that "I" never wanted to move to Oklahoma in the first place!) Now I carry heaviness all the way up Highway 45 headed north. My phone is busy with hard conversations of other loved ones who are struggling. Unraveling...everywhere. Words of wisdom are needed to hand those on the other end of the line, so I search. Life is not suppose to be this hard. Yet, it is. Another text comes where pain is overtaking yet another one of those I love. My mind travels back to the day before, when I once again tried to have conversation with my Daddy, to no avail. I look out the car window up into the blue sky just to make sure it is not falling. It seems unusually low.

 

Now this is where I would normally lose it. Yes, even Super Women lose it! I would normally begin to cry and let all of the weight that is buried hard in my soul breathe out. I would open the flood gates, while driving alone, and just let the tears come. I would begin to process what it is I am actually feeling. Isn't the Chemo enough? Can't the other crisis, of those who my heart holds dear, wait for another season? How much can one heart stretch?  The skies are falling! Then I would tell Him how unfair it is that everything seems to be falling apart at the same time...isn't the pain and fear of my sweet Mama enough? I would stay here with self-pity for a while. I would rehearse over and over again how could anyone be expected to deal with more than just my Mama's health in this moment. More tears would come. More wrestling would ensue. Once the tidal wave of tears and the expression of my souls grief had subsided I would then move to a place where I would begin to position myself to see this from Love's perspective. Slowly I would begin to hear His voice and feel His encouragement trying to ground me. I would sense His nearness and His tenderness and know that once again, I am not alone. Slowly, very slowly, the sky would seem to make it's way back up into the blue cavity from where it had fallen. I would begin to rehearse, with a determination, all the times He has saved us before. I would begin to say out loud how faithful He has been to me...to us. I would begin to declare that He will be faithful again. Before I would pull into my drive-way I would have rebounded and felt the strength of His arms wrapped around me, tightly, once more. I would step out of the car knowing that it is His love that supports my every step. He is faithful and He is true.

 

But this drive home was different. Really different. The sky was still falling, and those I love were all still dealing with their own heartaches. What was strikingly different was what was going on inside of me. I will tell you I am simple-minded. I deal with things with the Lord in a very simple-minded way. One of the patterns I have learned about myself is that I will make it through anything as long as I am holding Love's hand. I look at things that I dread or don't want to go through and I imagine that there is a starting point (which I call point A) and there will be an ending point (which I call point Z). The way I see it, I will have to move from Point A all the way through Point Z to make it to the other side. Now, it really is up to me how long that journey takes. I can start with a good pace and then get bogged down somewhere around Point G. I may spend months there. Actually, truth be known...I have been known to spend years somewhere around Point M. It wasn't pretty. I've even been known to try and ignore and deny where I am on the alphabet line and pretend it will all go away. It doesn't. It never has. I have only prolonged what was already a miserably long journey.

 

So, sometimes when I know I am facing a situation in my life that will not go away by ignoring it, I have learned to face it head on. I realize no matter how much I kick and scream...I still have to make it to Point Z to get passed this in my life. I know my own weaknesses. I know how easy it is for my old man to get stuck with just the simple fact of how "unfair" it is that this is happening to me..."to me"...I mean I never did anything to deserve "this". How could they?  Now mind you, this is only Point B! I can stay here as long as my flesh wants to. I can stay here days, weeks, months or even longer. If my goal is Point Z...I might want to speed it up some. This is where I will start speaking truth to myself to help get me "unstuck". I will remind myself that this is no surprise to Love. He was not looking out at Mars when the enemy snuck this one past Him. So if He has allowed it into my world then I can trust there is something He wants to teach me from it's pain.  Because I have history with Him I know that I can trust Him. So I choose to leave self-pity behind, I pick myself up and head towards Point C. Point C is usually where I begin to focus on what Love can do to correct "their problem". I mean it's obvious "they have a pattern" of this type of behavior and it seems to always be inflicted upon me. So if He will just fix "them" then I will be okay. You can see how making it all the way through the alphabet can be extremely time consuming and full of delays after delays. It really can take years of your life from you. I speak from experience.

 

Looking at the challenges in my life, with the simplicity of this picture of a time line starting with Point A and ending with Point Z, has been very helpful. It has made it easier for me to just go ahead and move through areas where I would normally delay and go ahead and agree with Love and lean into Him to learn the lesson that is at hand. I have never regretted the truth I learned by the time I made it to Point Z. Actually, I am the sum total of what I have learned at all of those Point Z's in my life. Looking back, I am nothing but grateful for the lessons I have learned on some of the hardest journeys in my life. Now, is no different. I can trust that the pain that seems to be unraveling, on me and those I love, will bring with it a deeper understanding of Love's truths.  It ALWAYS DOES! 

 

But yesterday was different. As I drove and surveyed all of the skies that seemed to be falling at the same time I could feel my flesh wanting to move into self-pity under all of the weight of it...but at the same time I had this incredibly strong urge to simply trust Him.  It's like there was an internal component to me that I had never experienced before...like an "over-drive" gear that I didn't even know was under the hood! Faith rose up so strong in me that I was speechless. It was like the gears that move me from Point A to Point Z weren't even necessary. It was nothing shy of GRACE. A gift from Love! My favorite definition of grace is: "the desire and the power to do that which Love desires of us". Even when I have the desire to do what Love desires me to...I am short of the power to do it. If I will repent of my independence and ask Him to help me with the power He will. But, I didn't even have to ask this time. It was there for the taking. Truly a gift...like the difference between being offered a spoon full of Horseradish or Chocolate...it was a no-brainer! I simply couldn't refuse this gift of peace!

 

I drove in awe! How could even Love offer me such an easy way through pain? Could I really step from where I was, in the depths of distress, to the place of peace and trust without ever having to "work for it" while making my way from A to Z? Could I truly make the journey from pain to peace in only one effortless step? In the quietness of my car, with no effort on my part I simply looked at my life's chaos and pain and chose to abandon it for His peace and His character.  I drove with only my thoughts for company. All anxiety and sadness left me and only Peace and I made our way towards home.

 

I knew at that moment that those of you who are praying so wildly for us, those of you going before The Throne on our behalf...He had answered you! He hears YOU! There is no other reason that His grace enveloped me in that moment as it did. The only explanation is that HE HEARS YOU AND HE.ANSWERS.YOUR. PRAYERS! I am humbled! I am eternally grateful!

 

I remember another time, years ago, when I struggled with a miserably long season of depression. I could literally "feel" when others were praying for me and when they weren't. I remember talking to a friend about this. He asked me "So, do you think if no one prays it changes the outcome?" I told him, that I wasn't sure that it would change the outcome...but I KNEW for certain it would change the comfort or the lack of comfort along the journey. I want to thank all of you for lifting our journey up to Love and helping us to find comfort along the way! This side of heaven you will never know the difference it will make and for that difference we say thank you!!!