I CAN FEEL YOUR PRAYERS

 

My husband tells me I think I'm "Super Woman". I believe every woman is. We come packaged that way. Our hearts are stretched as far as our loved ones take them. In my case, my heart is stretched from Oklahoma to Texas and then over to Louisiana. If you've ever driven through Texas alone, you know how much of a stretch that is! I spend a lot of time on the road. Which gives me a lot of time to talk to Love.

 

Before I relate this story to you, I want to clarify that I have a very normal family. A very normal, dysfunctional family. Compared to most, I think we lean closer to normal than dysfunctional, but nevertheless we have our issues...normally. Now that that is as clear as mud, let me continue.

 

Many times I spend my drive-time talking to Love about all of the pain that stretches my heart so. Watching my precious seventy-eight year old Mama undergo Chemo is not easy. Especially when I live over seven hours away and have to goodbye to her and leave the bulk of the burden to my sister. (The enemy reminds me that "I" never wanted to move to Oklahoma in the first place!) Now I carry heaviness all the way up Highway 45 headed north. My phone is busy with hard conversations of other loved ones who are struggling. Unraveling...everywhere. Words of wisdom are needed to hand those on the other end of the line, so I search. Life is not suppose to be this hard. Yet, it is. Another text comes where pain is overtaking yet another one of those I love. My mind travels back to the day before, when I once again tried to have conversation with my Daddy, to no avail. I look out the car window up into the blue sky just to make sure it is not falling. It seems unusually low.

 

Now this is where I would normally lose it. Yes, even Super Women lose it! I would normally begin to cry and let all of the weight that is buried hard in my soul breathe out. I would open the flood gates, while driving alone, and just let the tears come. I would begin to process what it is I am actually feeling. Isn't the Chemo enough? Can't the other crisis, of those who my heart holds dear, wait for another season? How much can one heart stretch?  The skies are falling! Then I would tell Him how unfair it is that everything seems to be falling apart at the same time...isn't the pain and fear of my sweet Mama enough? I would stay here with self-pity for a while. I would rehearse over and over again how could anyone be expected to deal with more than just my Mama's health in this moment. More tears would come. More wrestling would ensue. Once the tidal wave of tears and the expression of my souls grief had subsided I would then move to a place where I would begin to position myself to see this from Love's perspective. Slowly I would begin to hear His voice and feel His encouragement trying to ground me. I would sense His nearness and His tenderness and know that once again, I am not alone. Slowly, very slowly, the sky would seem to make it's way back up into the blue cavity from where it had fallen. I would begin to rehearse, with a determination, all the times He has saved us before. I would begin to say out loud how faithful He has been to me...to us. I would begin to declare that He will be faithful again. Before I would pull into my drive-way I would have rebounded and felt the strength of His arms wrapped around me, tightly, once more. I would step out of the car knowing that it is His love that supports my every step. He is faithful and He is true.

 

But this drive home was different. Really different. The sky was still falling, and those I love were all still dealing with their own heartaches. What was strikingly different was what was going on inside of me. I will tell you I am simple-minded. I deal with things with the Lord in a very simple-minded way. One of the patterns I have learned about myself is that I will make it through anything as long as I am holding Love's hand. I look at things that I dread or don't want to go through and I imagine that there is a starting point (which I call point A) and there will be an ending point (which I call point Z). The way I see it, I will have to move from Point A all the way through Point Z to make it to the other side. Now, it really is up to me how long that journey takes. I can start with a good pace and then get bogged down somewhere around Point G. I may spend months there. Actually, truth be known...I have been known to spend years somewhere around Point M. It wasn't pretty. I've even been known to try and ignore and deny where I am on the alphabet line and pretend it will all go away. It doesn't. It never has. I have only prolonged what was already a miserably long journey.

 

So, sometimes when I know I am facing a situation in my life that will not go away by ignoring it, I have learned to face it head on. I realize no matter how much I kick and scream...I still have to make it to Point Z to get passed this in my life. I know my own weaknesses. I know how easy it is for my old man to get stuck with just the simple fact of how "unfair" it is that this is happening to me..."to me"...I mean I never did anything to deserve "this". How could they?  Now mind you, this is only Point B! I can stay here as long as my flesh wants to. I can stay here days, weeks, months or even longer. If my goal is Point Z...I might want to speed it up some. This is where I will start speaking truth to myself to help get me "unstuck". I will remind myself that this is no surprise to Love. He was not looking out at Mars when the enemy snuck this one past Him. So if He has allowed it into my world then I can trust there is something He wants to teach me from it's pain.  Because I have history with Him I know that I can trust Him. So I choose to leave self-pity behind, I pick myself up and head towards Point C. Point C is usually where I begin to focus on what Love can do to correct "their problem". I mean it's obvious "they have a pattern" of this type of behavior and it seems to always be inflicted upon me. So if He will just fix "them" then I will be okay. You can see how making it all the way through the alphabet can be extremely time consuming and full of delays after delays. It really can take years of your life from you. I speak from experience.

 

Looking at the challenges in my life, with the simplicity of this picture of a time line starting with Point A and ending with Point Z, has been very helpful. It has made it easier for me to just go ahead and move through areas where I would normally delay and go ahead and agree with Love and lean into Him to learn the lesson that is at hand. I have never regretted the truth I learned by the time I made it to Point Z. Actually, I am the sum total of what I have learned at all of those Point Z's in my life. Looking back, I am nothing but grateful for the lessons I have learned on some of the hardest journeys in my life. Now, is no different. I can trust that the pain that seems to be unraveling, on me and those I love, will bring with it a deeper understanding of Love's truths.  It ALWAYS DOES! 

 

But yesterday was different. As I drove and surveyed all of the skies that seemed to be falling at the same time I could feel my flesh wanting to move into self-pity under all of the weight of it...but at the same time I had this incredibly strong urge to simply trust Him.  It's like there was an internal component to me that I had never experienced before...like an "over-drive" gear that I didn't even know was under the hood! Faith rose up so strong in me that I was speechless. It was like the gears that move me from Point A to Point Z weren't even necessary. It was nothing shy of GRACE. A gift from Love! My favorite definition of grace is: "the desire and the power to do that which Love desires of us". Even when I have the desire to do what Love desires me to...I am short of the power to do it. If I will repent of my independence and ask Him to help me with the power He will. But, I didn't even have to ask this time. It was there for the taking. Truly a gift...like the difference between being offered a spoon full of Horseradish or Chocolate...it was a no-brainer! I simply couldn't refuse this gift of peace!

 

I drove in awe! How could even Love offer me such an easy way through pain? Could I really step from where I was, in the depths of distress, to the place of peace and trust without ever having to "work for it" while making my way from A to Z? Could I truly make the journey from pain to peace in only one effortless step? In the quietness of my car, with no effort on my part I simply looked at my life's chaos and pain and chose to abandon it for His peace and His character.  I drove with only my thoughts for company. All anxiety and sadness left me and only Peace and I made our way towards home.

 

I knew at that moment that those of you who are praying so wildly for us, those of you going before The Throne on our behalf...He had answered you! He hears YOU! There is no other reason that His grace enveloped me in that moment as it did. The only explanation is that HE HEARS YOU AND HE.ANSWERS.YOUR. PRAYERS! I am humbled! I am eternally grateful!

 

I remember another time, years ago, when I struggled with a miserably long season of depression. I could literally "feel" when others were praying for me and when they weren't. I remember talking to a friend about this. He asked me "So, do you think if no one prays it changes the outcome?" I told him, that I wasn't sure that it would change the outcome...but I KNEW for certain it would change the comfort or the lack of comfort along the journey. I want to thank all of you for lifting our journey up to Love and helping us to find comfort along the way! This side of heaven you will never know the difference it will make and for that difference we say thank you!!!