The Real Me

Sometimes I wonder if my girls would recognize me if they could see who I was so many years ago? If I could sit next to them around a table of chips and salsa in my twenty-something body and soul, would they ever sense it was me, the one they have known since birth? I don't think it would be possible. She is so far removed, from even me, that at times I feel like memories of "her" were memories of someone else. I haven't always been me...well, not the present me.

Of course there are the most obvious changes, the changes that are physical. My skin is no longer radiant, I am no longer able to fit into the size 5 jeans. Wrinkles and glasses have become a permanent feature of my face. My granddaughter, when she was barely three years old, looked at my toes one day and fear overcame her. Now, I had not noticed a significant change with my toes, but apparently she saw something I couldn't. She looked up to the heavens and with the most earnest plea she asked God "Please, please don't let my MeMommy get old. Please, please!" It was a little alarming (for both of us)! I'm sure The Lord got quite a laugh. I wasn't sure whether to laugh or to cry! Even my toes had gotten old without my consent! But, I tell you one thing, as much as I miss my old body (which I guess was really my young body), I wouldn't trade who I  presently am for even a day. While my body and my toes were getting older, I believe my soul was becoming younger. It has become lighter and full of life. It has a child-like wonder that it never had before. It feels very alive and vibrant and full of faith and expectancy of what The Lord will do next in my life. My load has become lighter with each step and I feel in a very deep sense that I am getting closer and closer to "home" as each season passes. Growing closer to "home" is a wonderful thing... it feels like the homecoming of a lifetime. Actually, I guess it is!

I have a lot to do before I make that final exit, where the real me will one day leave this physical me. Wrinkles and glasses and even old toes will be left behind as my soul will enter behind the veil, that has hidden Love's beautiful face from me. It will truly be homecoming! While I look forward to that moment with so much expectation and joy I realize there is so much of "me" that I want to leave behind.

The Lord blessed me with three of earths most treasured possessions in the form of my three daughters. I wouldn't erase even one moment of the few we have had the privilege to share together.  I raised three teenage girls under the same roof. We even homeschooled in those years so when I say under one roof, I mean under one roof. They were 13, 14 and 16 and we were together 24/7 and truly I look back now and realize that wasn't enough time. How I miss them all being around my table and sleeping in my beds. To this day, my favorite sound in all the world is when I hear them all laughing and giggling together. It is my favorite melody!

When you live in the Kingdom of God you soon realize that family doesn't have to share the same DNA. Through the years I have also been given the gift of spiritual daughters as well. The past few months I have felt The Lord pressing me to share more of me with them as well. Like my biological daughters, I don't think my spiritual daughters would believe how much I have changed through the years. The me they have grown to know doesn't even begin to reflect the me I use to be. The metamorphosis that I have undergone has been nothing less than miraculous! Just looking at my life is proof that Evolution does not exist. The theory of Evolution is that without the influence of a deity things will only become more beautiful. If my life had not been interrupted with the unbelievable influence of The Deity, my life would not have grown more beautiful but probably would have ended up as one of the saddest stories of all time. I can never thank Him enough for interrupting my downward spiral with Himself.

How I wish that I could have known me, the present me, when I was younger. I would have told her so many things. I would have painted such beautiful word pictures that she would have almost been able to touch the hope that she lacked. I would have loved on her and told her not to give up on herself because she had so much potential that she had not yet realized. I would have been kind to her...really kind. I would have encouraged her to run hard after Love and never, never let anything steal her focus. I would have told her that Love is worth waiting for. Even when He is silent or feels very distant, even when her sins feel like they have walled her off from Him...wait for Him. He is so worth waiting for...and when you least expect it, He will overwhelm you with His love. I would tell her that if she would just "trust Him" with herself, even her broken self, He would prove faithful to change her into someone she would barely recognize. Someone she didn't even have the courage to dare to believe she could become. Someone who eventually would feel comfortable in her own skin...even if she did have old toes! We'd laugh together. A lot.

I am going to attempt to write here more often. I am going to attempt to paint the picture that Love has painted- as me. Not so much to look at any more...but a soul full of gratitude and love, so full of colors and beauty and light that you don't need eyes to see. If I can leave my daughters, that part of me, that is really Him...then I will have joy untold.